Kids Need... Confidence
by Sensei Matt Dorsey of Martial Arts America
One of the most important character traits that a child needs to develop is confidence. That's the ability to take a step forward, raise their hand, or try something new even when they aren't sure about the outcome. The fear of embarrassment, failure, teasing, or judgment by others is a huge fear for kids (and many adults). There's no quick fix for confidence building. It takes time along with careful attention by a parent to help a child gain confidence. Parents can use a child's activities - their participation, their effort, their successes, and their failures - to assist a child in understanding and reframing those activities.
Confidence comes from preparation and experience. Often, the times when we lose or don't perform well are the best learning experiences. These "losing" experiences just have to understood by the child in an empowering way. This is how a parent can help. For example, if a child incorrectly answers a question from the teacher in a classroom and feels like the other kids were laughing at him, a parent can remind the child, "It took courage to raise your hand and try. There were lots of other kids who weren't that brave. You showed inner strength even though the answer wasn't correct. You can be proud of that. I think you should keep raising your hand." Or when a child is nervous about a sports event or music performance, a parent can say, "Being nervous is natural. Just use that nervous energy and put it into your best effort. You can't control the outcome of what happens but you can control how much effort you put into it. Be strong, be brave and do your very best."
In karate, when a student is preparing for a test for their next belt level, the sensei helps to get them ready by having them perform in front of the class in a series of pre-tests to help build their confidence. When a student doesn't perform well at the pre-test, they know they need to do additional practicing to be ready for the actual test. And the other students in class don't judge or tease them because they know they are also going to be put on the spot in a future class.
When helping your child build confidence, don't sugar-coat a failure or put the blame on outside factors. Teach your child to take responsibility, see the outcome as a direct result of their preparation and performance, and remind them that all of their improvement is up to them. Every experience, good or bad, is a stepping stone to success and confidence.
Sensei Matt Dorsey is the owner and head instructor of Martial Arts America.
He’s been training in martial arts for over 45 years and holds a 9th degree black belt in Isshin ryu karate, as well as a 2nd degree black belt in Iaido (Samurai sword) and a 1st degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. He also has experience in jujitsu, kali, tai chi and other martial arts.
His passion for teaching children and adults led him to open his first dojo in 1980 and he’s been a professional martial arts teacher (including teaching our publisher, Debra Ross!) ever since.
This article is part of a series. Follow the links to read Sensei Matt's articles on goals and focus.
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